Finally exams are over and I’ve time to do proposal for MFGG Training Camp.. With so many upcoming events (camp, campfire, amazing race, hike, and even GG tee) and a new career path (I’m joining Pru at end of the year), I could hardly breathe.. I MUST step back from Guiding from August onwards, to focus on my career.. 5 years of striving is my goal.. My passion with Guiding shall remain, but the amount of activities will decrease.. Either Peiwen or Putri or even JieYing will take over me from then on.. All these are stressful for me.. Even my own income in the near future is worrying.. The only reason why I didn’t collapse is because of my Pride.. My pride doesn’t allow me to collapse..

However, we must not forget that THE GREAT WALL OF ROME FALLS WITHIN A DAY! (Am I right on that phrase, JW?) I’m not infallible too.. I lost control last night (cried cos I felt 委屈, and ended up hurting my friend with my sms) and this morning (cried at the thought of my late form teacher.. Really sad cos I didn’t attend her wake cos I wasn’t informed.. Heard that her funeral was very quiet.. It was back in Feb..).. When a person is weak psychologically, all the negative thoughts will invade.. I tried to make myself happier today cos I’ve to attend May’s birthday party later.. And I’m still trying..

My friend shot back a reply this morning while I was in the midst of a meeting.. Thank God I caught a glimpse of it before my cranky hp decided to auto delete it.. It was the longest sms I’ve ever received from this friend.. He didn’t ask for a reply but I did.. With the longest one I’ve ever written (10 smses in 1 sms).. I’ve learnt not to divulge too much personal issues in here but I guess he would read my blog once in a while, so I’ll repeat some of the main points I’ve stated in the sms.. (If you know who I’m referring to, just keep it to yourself.. Thanks..)

1. I wanted to send out a sms to apologize for losing control last night, but he pre-empt me.
2. I explained that it could be due to stress that I lost control last night.
3. I couldn’t be waiting for him when I was waiting for another person 2 yrs ago.
4. Other than waiting for friends (e.g. Andrew Hui, Ham) to come back to Singapore, I wasn’t waiting for anyone.
5. Fact is I’m no longer waiting for anyone.
6. Why must I always be the one waiting? Can’t people wait for me? I want my pride and I’m taking it back.
7. I’m specifically closer to some friends cos I know they’ll listen. I know everyone has a limit, they just need to let me know.
8. A friend taught me 1 thing – Friends can’t accompany me all the time.. I understand but I wouldn’t know the limit til I’m told..
9. I thought the rumours going round didn’t affect him much cos he was dealing with it very well.. It was shocking to know his thoughts (expressed through sms), since 2 years ago.
10. I know the way I used to keep close friends near me could be quite extreme, bit when I distance myself, people accused me of putting up a barrier.. What should I do?
11. Yet another sms about being in different worlds.. Ouch.. It hurts..
12. Whatever the case, I’m sorry for the sufferings he had undergone due to the rumours..
I’m now thinking.. Should I distance myself from kor too? Cos I don’t need history to repeat itself.. It’s too much for me to handle.. My heart cannot be any heavier already.. Afterall, my heart is just a fist size..

It will come a day when my friends could no longer reach me, by society standings.. By then, will they regret not having cherished my presence now?